Sometimes, life is just so disappointing. As a young adult I've had to learn time and time again that life will continuously disappoint me, especially when I least expect it. Whether it be after a series of lows or a series of highs, there's always a big disappointment somewhere in the lineup.
I know this may seem very pessimistic and "woe is me"-like, but I'm just so tired. I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of plans changing and not going my way. I'm just exhausted. Alas, that is life. That is the way the world goes around. You can make all the plans in the world and it's just human and nature-nature for things to change whether expectedly or unexpectedly.
Since December of 2020 I have been on a journey to join the military. Specifically, the Coast Guard. I've gone to MEPs (which involved doing my medical physical and taking the ASVAB), waited, gone to MEPs again, waited, and now, today, I received news that my medical waiver was denied. It's going on THREE years of going, waiting, waiting, going, doing, working, waiting and this is just NOT the news I was hoping to receive. Fortunately, this denial of medical waiver is not a "forever 'No'" as my recruiter put it, however, my only chance of actually joining the Coast Guard is getting a surgery to remove a pilonidal cyst that hasn't been of any major issue since 2017. Ridiculous, I know. Don't forget to add the ridiculousness of having to do the entire application process over.
The military entrance process is so frustrating. Especially if, like me, you do not have a perfect health record and have to jump through moving, flaming hoops to be considered a viable candidate. I've gone to doctors and surgeons (mind you all of these trips are COSTING me, financially, since they are not regular-degular annual check-ups...which if you didn't know, annual check-ups are usually free of co-pay charge with basic health insurance) all just to get letters and notes saying that I am not too broken to be a part of this organization. It's like they want you to be absolutely perfect (mentally and physically). On one hand, I get it: you are about to joining a group of individuals whose textbook sole purpose is to serve this country, physically (more or less). On another hand; NOBODY IS PERFECT. Not mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. No one human on this planet is holistically perfect. Of course, this feeling of, "I'm not perfect, so they're not accepting me," is definitely based on a few cognitive distortions. It's just hard to keep your head up when your neck is in a crick from holding it up over the past two years.
So...yeah. That's basically it in a nutshell. Now, I get to deal with this internal battle of "will or will I not elect for a (seemingly) unnecessary surgery?" I think that's the part that really gets me. It isn't like I have an inflamed/agitated cyst to show doctors to be like, "Hey, this is bothering me, can you remove it?" Maybe, if it was flaring up consistently and I was constantly in pain, then I would feel comfortable doing that. I just don't want to lie, though. In the spirit of staying honest, I've had minor flares with this cyst. MINOR flares. Nothing that didn't go away with a few days of soaking and/or resting. Definitely nothing that prevented me from functioning normally compared to when I first had the cyst and couldn't move without screaming bloody murder. But, hey: who knows? Maybe these sporadic flares are enough for the surgery to not be considered elective. If you didn't know, elective surgeries aren't usually covered under insurance because there isn't a "medical need" for them. It's like saying, "I don't have wisdom teeth and none of my teeth hurt but I want the government to pay for a full mouth of veneers." Bottom line: I would have to pay for this surgery completely out of pocket. Of course, the military doesn't care about that. They just want you to fix yourself and get in...only to be broken, again.
Anyways, I think that's enough for this rant. There's no use in worrying. I don't know about you, but I believe in a higher power. There's a verse in the Bible that talks about not worrying because it's basically showing that you have no faith. Personally, I feel like if your worry is a spiral, then it's time to check yourself. Not gonna lie, tough, I am looking forward to a day where I don't stop to worry for more than five seconds. Just have to keep picturing a mustard seed.
I hope y'all are having a Sunny one, no matter the weather or time of day. I'll try to have one of my own.
Thanks for being here,
~S
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